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Old 09-13-2006, 02:42 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Talking Thread of Jokes

Thought maybe of adding a "Thread of Jokes" for all these gloomy ohio days we seem be getting this week...

Ill start it off... Im in IT, so I got a kick outta this one...

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below.
He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."
"You must be in Information Technology," said the balloonist.
"I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip."
The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."


Just thought it would be fun...

Have a good day!
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Old 09-13-2006, 02:50 PM   #2 (permalink)
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A piece of string walks into a bar, sits on a stool and orders a beer.
The bartender says, Im sorry, but we do not serve pieces of string here.

The piece of string leaves.
While outside the bar, the string ties itself into a bow and fluffs its hair.

The string walks back into the bar.
The bartender says, aren't you the same piece of string I just kicked out 5 minutes ago?
The string replies, I'm a frayed knot.
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Old 09-13-2006, 02:55 PM   #3 (permalink)
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HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN & HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN

HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN

1. Compliment her.
2. Respect her.
3. Honor her.
4. Cuddle her.
5. Kiss her.
6. Caress her.
7. Love her.
8. Stroke her.
9. Tease her.
10. Comfort her.
11. Protect her.
12. Hug her.
13. Hold her.
14. Spend money on her.
15. Wine and dine her.
16. Talk to her.
17. Care for her.
18. Stand by her.
19. Support her.
20. Go to the ends of the Earth for her.

HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN

1. Show up naked.
2. Bring food.
3. Don't talk.
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Old 09-13-2006, 03:00 PM   #4 (permalink)
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The Top 16 Rejected Motel 6 Slogans

16> We're working on that smell thing, too.

15> Because you deserve better than the backseat of some car.

14> As seen on "COPS"

13> If We'd Known You Were Staying All Night, We'd Have Changed
the Sheets

12> Not just for nooners anymore.

11> We left off the 9, but you know it's there.

10> You rented the room, now buy the video.

9> Sure, you could stay someplace nicer, but then you wouldn't
have money left over for a hooker.

8> We'll leave the Lysol for ya!

7> Hey, we're not the Ritz, but just try banging your
secretary there on *your* salary, pal!

6> We don't make the adultery. We make the adultery *better*

5> It's Hookerriffic!

4> Official Lodging of the 1998 Florida Marlins

3> Blurring the line between stains and avant garde sheet
art since 1962!

2> Cheap and Easy -- Just Like Your Mother

1> We put the "Ho" in "Motel"
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Old 09-13-2006, 03:00 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Funny and so true!
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Old 09-13-2006, 03:10 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Women's Bumper Stickers

1. SO MANY MEN, SO FEW WHO CAN
AFFORD ME.

2. GOD MADE US SISTERS, PROZAC
MADE US FRIENDS.

3. IF THEY DON'T HAVE CHOCOLATE IN
HEAVEN, I AIN'T GOING.

4. MY MOTHER IS A TRAVEL AGENT FOR
GUILT TRIPS.

5. PRINCESS, HAVING HAD SUFFICIENT
EXPERIENCE WITH PRINCES, SEEKS FROG.

6. COFFEE, CHOCOLATE, MEN ... SOME
THINGS ARE JUST BETTER RICH.

7. DON'T TREAT ME ANY DIFFERENTLY
THAN YOU WOULD THE QUEEN

8. IF YOU WANT BREAKFAST IN BED,
SLEEP IN THE KITCHEN.

9. DINNER IS READY WHEN THE SMOKE
ALARM GOES OFF.

10. I'M OUT OF ESTROGEN - AND I
HAVE A GUN.

11. GUYS HAVE FEELINGS TOO. BUT
LIKE...WHO CARES?

12. NEXT MOOD SWING: 6 MINUTES

13. AND YOUR POINT IS?

14. WARNING: I HAVE AN ATTITUDE AND
I KNOW HOW TO USE IT.

15. OF COURSE I DON'T LOOK BUSY...I
DID IT RIGHT THE FIRST TIME.

16. DO NOT START WITH ME. YOU WILL
NOT WIN.

17. YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO REMAIN
SILENT, SO PLEASE SHUT UP.

18. ALL STRESSED OUT AND NO ONE TO
CHOKE.

19. I'M ONE OF THOSE BAD THINGS
THAT HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE.

20. HOW CAN I MISS YOU IF YOU WON'T
GO AWAY?

21. SORRY IF I LOOKED INTERESTED.
I'M NOT.

22. IF WE ARE WHAT WE EAT, I'M
FAST, CHEAP AND EASY.

23. DON'T UPSET ME! I'M RUNNING
OUT OF PLACES TO HIDE THE BODIES.
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Old 09-13-2006, 03:12 PM   #7 (permalink)
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World's thinnest books

20. BEAUTY SECRETS by Janet Reno
19. HOME BUILT AIRPLANES by John Denver
18. HOW TO GET TO THE SUPER BOWL by Dan Marino
17. THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL by Hillary Clinton
16. MY LIFE'S MEMORIES by Ronald Reagan
15. THINGS I CAN'T AFFORD by Bill Gates
14. THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY - by Dennis Rodman
13. THE WILD YEARS - by Al Gore
12. AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC OCEAN
11. AMERICA'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS
10. DETROIT - A TRAVEL GUIDE
9. DR. KEVORKIAN'S COLLECTION OF MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES
8. EVERYTHING MEN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN
7. EVERYTHING WOMEN KNOW ABOUT MEN
6. ALL THE MEN I'VE LOVED BEFORE - by Ellen DeGeneres
5. MIKE TYSON'S GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
4. SPOTTED OWL RECIPES - by the EPA
3. THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY
2. MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS - by O. J. Simpson

And the World's Number One Shortest book...
MY BOOK OF MORALS - by Bill Clinton
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Old 09-13-2006, 03:18 PM   #8 (permalink)
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I was reading this web page about how bad a** Chuck Norris is and thought it was funny. Some people imiginations are.... out there... but funny no the less...

http://4q.cc/index.php?pid=top100&person=chuck
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Old 09-13-2006, 06:08 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Well, thats about it for the jokes that I can post on here....I have lots that have language not appropriate for the board, and being from Ohio TTORA I'm just too lazy to edit them.........
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Old 09-15-2006, 09:53 AM   #10 (permalink)
save the bewbies!
 
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ok seriously. Im getting these made for the FJ.

Quote:
Originally Posted by bradleyem
Women's Bumper Stickers
5. PRINCESS, HAVING HAD SUFFICIENT
EXPERIENCE WITH PRINCES, SEEKS FROG.

6. COFFEE, CHOCOLATE, MEN ... SOME
THINGS ARE JUST BETTER RICH.

10. I'M OUT OF ESTROGEN - AND I
HAVE A GUN.

15. OF COURSE I DON'T LOOK BUSY...I
DID IT RIGHT THE FIRST TIME.

19. I'M ONE OF THOSE BAD THINGS
THAT HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE.

20. HOW CAN I MISS YOU IF YOU WON'T
GO AWAY?
__________________
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Old 09-15-2006, 10:22 AM   #11 (permalink)
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The back of the FJ is going to look like Joe's rear window... LOL
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Old 04-21-2008, 07:11 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Lil boy in bath with mom. Boy says whats that hairy thing? Mom says its my sponge! Boy says oh auntie has one too. I saw her washing daddy face with it last night.
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Quote:
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lol why would you want to? you already post to yourself
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