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Old 11-15-2006, 10:27 AM   #1 (permalink)
save the bewbies!
 
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Jokes/Funny stuff *could be offenseive, be warned, dont cry*

I get alot of good jokes & other stuff texted to me and feel the need to share them with you guys
so if you all have any good ones post them up.

this texted to me from nicole

Scientists have discovered that most women will, at some point, contain intelligent DNA. Unfortunately 95% of them will spit it out.
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Old 11-15-2006, 10:44 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Old 11-15-2006, 10:52 AM   #3 (permalink)
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A man walks up to a pharmacist and asks for a box of condoms for his 11 year old daughter. The pharmacist is shocked and he replies "Are you telling me your 11 year old daughter is sexually active?".

"I wouldn't say active, she pretty much just lays there like her mother."
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Old 11-15-2006, 01:28 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Oh, so she doesn't just send them to me!

A Chinese man calls his boss "no work, me sick". the boss says, "when I sick, I screw my wife. Try it". 2 hours later, the man calls in "I feel better. You got nice house."

Giving head is like eating sunflower seed. Put it in your mouth, suck it, get the nut, spit it out.

If pilgrims had killed a cat instead of a turkey for thanksgiving, we'd all be eating pussy this holiday.

the big bad wolf told Little Red Riding Hood to lift up her top so he could suck her boobies. "No!" said Little Red Riding Hood, lifting up her skirt. "Eat me like the book says!"

The police are looking for someone described as sexy, good looking, and great in bed. Your ass is safe, so can I hide at your place?

The life of a vagina: My hair's a mess, my relatives are lippy, my neighbor's an ass, my best friend's a dick, and my owner keeps giving me the finger.

The 10th annual penis sucking contest is Saturday. We are asking that you not participate so someone else could win this year. (The scary thing is I received this one from both sexy.taco and OFRD_GRL about 1 min apart)
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Old 11-16-2006, 07:50 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by RedRunnertc
Oh, so she doesn't just send them to me!

A Chinese man calls his boss "no work, me sick". the boss says, "when I sick, I screw my wife. Try it". 2 hours later, the man calls in "I feel better. You got nice house."

Giving head is like eating sunflower seed. Put it in your mouth, suck it, get the nut, spit it out.

If pilgrims had killed a cat instead of a turkey for thanksgiving, we'd all be eating pussy this holiday.

the big bad wolf told Little Red Riding Hood to lift up her top so he could suck her boobies. "No!" said Little Red Riding Hood, lifting up her skirt. "Eat me like the book says!"

The police are looking for someone described as sexy, good looking, and great in bed. Your ass is safe, so can I hide at your place?

The life of a vagina: My hair's a mess, my relatives are lippy, my neighbor's an ass, my best friend's a dick, and my owner keeps giving me the finger.

The 10th annual penis sucking contest is Saturday. We are asking that you not participate so someone else could win this year. (The scary thing is I received this one from both sexy.taco and OFRD_GRL about 1 min apart)
HAHA nope I get them too!
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Old 11-16-2006, 10:09 AM   #6 (permalink)
save the bewbies!
 
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Funny text messages:
A penis says to his balls, get ready were going to a party. F*cking liar says his balls. You always go inside and leave us outside knocking.

Your sexy, your funny, you drive me insane
you f*ck me so hard Im always im pain
Your sexy voice puts me in slumber
of F*CK Im sorry, ive got the wrong number

I had a wet dream about you last night. I pissed myself laughing when you fell off a cliff.

A fat blackman finds a genies lamp. His wishes are to be skinny white and surrounded by p*ssy. The genie said POOF and that n*gga turned into a tampon.

The police found a body with no brain, fucked up teeth, a small set of tits and a swollen asshole. Im worried, call me if you're ok.

Today its cool to have small cars and small computers. Someday it will be cool to have a small penis and then you my friend will be the man.
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Last edited by RedRunnertc; 11-16-2006 at 11:17 AM.
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Old 11-21-2006, 02:52 PM   #7 (permalink)
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A woman was very distraught over the fact that she had not had a date Or any sex for over 5 years. She was afraid she might have something Wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of the well known Chinese sex therapist, Dr.Chang.

Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all your crose."
The woman did as she was told.
Now get down and craw reery, reery fass to odderside of room."
Again, the woman did as she was instructed.
Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me."
As she did, Dr. Chang shook his head slowly. "Your probrem vewy bad.
You haf Ed Zachary Disease, Worse case I ever see.
Dat why you not haf sex or dates."

The woman asked anxiously, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease"?

Dr. Chang sighed deeply and replied, "Ed Zachary Disease is when your face look Ed Zachary like your ass."
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Old 11-27-2006, 05:45 PM   #8 (permalink)
save the bewbies!
 
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wtf why was my post edited?
Last edited by RedRunnertc : 11-16-2006 at 01:17 PM.

the thread title specifically says no crying offensive dont cry.
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Old 11-27-2006, 07:53 PM   #9 (permalink)
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You should've used "frack"

Or maybe it's been less than 100 posts since you dropped your last f-bomb

I thought this was settled a month ago Please watch your language on this forum ,guess you'll have to wait for Troy's explanation
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Old 11-28-2006, 07:42 PM   #10 (permalink)
save the bewbies!
 
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yes but the title say no effing cry effing babies.
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Old 11-28-2006, 09:29 PM   #11 (permalink)
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I thought one f-bomb per line was excessive. Should have sent a PM - sorry.
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Old 11-29-2006, 07:52 AM   #12 (permalink)
save the bewbies!
 
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WT F ing HELL
thats gay. no offense troy. (wait, is gay a cuss word too?)
all i can say if EFFING cry babies.
seriously.
im so done with this chit.
if you come into a thread that tells you you will probably be offended, and you get offended and edit something - your retarded. dont come in the thread in the first place.
im just gonna post my cool stuff elsewhere from now on.
F-BOMB this CHIT!
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Old 11-29-2006, 09:27 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by OFRD_GRL
if you come into a thread that tells you you will probably be offended, and you get offended and edit something - your retarded.

That is the world we live in today and it sucks


i mean logic would tell you the coffee is hot yet some bitch burnt herself and was able to sue mcdonalds for millions..........it is fawking stupid but it happens.
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Old 11-29-2006, 11:19 AM   #14 (permalink)
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COME ON Troy! Are you just trying to stir shit?
The thread did contain a warning to stay out if your easliy offened.
(Jokes/Funny stuff *could be offenseive, be warned, dont cry* )
And YOU said pussy,dick,vigina,penis,screw,and ass x 2 in your post.

Quote:
Originally Posted by RedRunnertc
Oh, so she doesn't just send them to me!

A Chinese man calls his boss "no work, me sick". the boss says, "when I sick, I screw my wife. Try it". 2 hours later, the man calls in "I feel better. You got nice house."

Giving head is like eating sunflower seed. Put it in your mouth, suck it, get the nut, spit it out.

If pilgrims had killed a cat instead of a turkey for thanksgiving, we'd all be eating pussy this holiday.

the big bad wolf told Little Red Riding Hood to lift up her top so he could suck her boobies. "No!" said Little Red Riding Hood, lifting up her skirt. "Eat me like the book says!"

The police are looking for someone described as sexy, good looking, and great in bed. Your ass is safe, so can I hide at your place?

The life of a vagina: My hair's a mess, my relatives are lippy, my neighbor's an ass, my best friend's a dick, and my owner keeps giving me the finger.

The 10th annual penis sucking contest is Saturday. We are asking that you not participate so someone else could win this year. (The scary thing is I received this one from both sexy.taco and OFRD_GRL about 1 min apart)
This silly shit is getting old!
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Old 11-29-2006, 01:00 PM   #15 (permalink)
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x2!!!!!!!!!
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Old 11-29-2006, 02:17 PM   #16 (permalink)
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x3, she did put a disclaimer in the title

And for the record, this is exactly why I don't like the rule being "excessive". I'm beginning to think things would be simpler if just used the rules from the NB
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Old 11-29-2006, 06:02 PM   #17 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by NEV2DEP
COME ON Troy!
And YOU said pussy,dick,vigina,penis,screw,and ass x 2 in your post.
im glad im not the only one who noticed.


Quote:
Originally Posted by 99TanTaco
x3, she did put a disclaimer in the title
things would be simpler if just used the rules from the NB
thanks!
i agree NB rules are good.
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Old 11-29-2006, 11:21 PM   #18 (permalink)
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wow... it appears those silly things are getting some further use than just annoyance... lol! I just get them from random people and don't know what to do with them so I send them on to other people for random confusion!

What's up Una? And why the FUCK is Troy still have mod powers for OH? I thought he moved here like months ago... Ya'll should start and F U RedRunner trend from OH!

Hey Troy you live in CO right? Or was that another one of those hallucinations I periodically have... I'm sure you just can't get enough of my CO love!!!! And get off work early so your down in Moab with the rest of us early enough to run something!

Oh yeah... and another thing Troy Fuckity, fuck, fuck, fuck... No worries, you'll only have to deal with me for like another month then I'll be Mike's and NorCal's problem...

Ahhhhh, can I get banned from the OH chapter only? Ok I promise to leave you guys alone for a while again...
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Old 11-30-2006, 06:54 AM   #19 (permalink)
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lol nice nic!
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Old 11-30-2006, 10:41 AM   #20 (permalink)
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wow
I missed a lot in a week...

what happened to no fbomb? I thought we were using frack
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Old 11-30-2006, 10:49 AM   #21 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sexy.taco
No worries, you'll only have to deal with me for like another month then I'll be Mike's and NorCal's problem...
Move out to Ohio who likes NorCal anyways
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Old 11-30-2006, 10:51 AM   #22 (permalink)
save the bewbies!
 
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at least you can swear freely in norcal.
its a bad thing when you have to censor your JOKES.
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Old 11-30-2006, 11:00 AM   #23 (permalink)
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Letters to Santa and from Santa



deer santa:
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy all yeer.
Yer Frend,

BiLLy



Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care. How about I
send you a frigging book so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving
your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell!
Santa
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------


Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace
and joy in the world for everybody!
Love,
Sarah



Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?
Santa
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------



Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my
mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.
Love,Teddy



Dear Teddy,
Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a
hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your
frigid, fat mom, who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up that
dream. Let me get you some nice Legos instead. Maybe you can build
yourself a family with those?

Santa
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------



Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, a Playstation 3, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a
drum kit, a pony and a tuba.

Love,
Francis



Dear Francis,
Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays? I bet you're gay.

Santa
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------



Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left
carrots for your reindeer outside the back door.
Love,
Susan



Dear Susan,

Milk gives me the shits and carrots make the deer fart in my face when
riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Two words, Jack
Daniels.

Santa
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------


Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys?
Your friend,
Thomas



Dear Thomas,

All the toys are made by little kids like you in China. Every year I
give them a slice of bread as a Christmas bonus. I have a condo in
Vegas, where I spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I
unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail
waitresses while losing money at the craps table.


Santa
P.S.
Tell your mom she got the part.
"Long Dong Claus"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------



Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake,
like in the song?
Love, Jessica



Dear Jessica,
Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I'm
skipping your house.

Santa
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------



Dear Santa,
I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please
PLEASE PLEASE could I have one?
Timmy



Timmy,

That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap doesn't
work with me. You're getting an ugly sweater again.

Santa
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------



Dearest Santa,
We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home?
Love,
Marky



Mark,

First, stop calling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting your ass
kicked at school. Second, you don't live in a house; you live in a
low-rent, ghetto apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just
like all the burglars do, through your bedroom window.

Sweet Dreams,

Santa
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Old 11-30-2006, 02:02 PM   #24 (permalink)
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Joe.......That is the funniest shit I have seen in a long time.....
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Old 11-30-2006, 08:01 PM   #25 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Full_Tilt_Fud
Joe.......That is the funniest shit I have seen in a long time.....
goddamnit you asshole. watch your language. sheesh.


JOKE JOKE JOKE.
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Old 11-30-2006, 08:39 PM   #26 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by OFRD_GRL
goddamnit you asshole. watch your language. sheesh.


JOKE JOKE JOKE.
damnit, don't use the lords name in vain!
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Old 12-01-2006, 06:05 AM   #27 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by OFRD_GRL
goddamnit you asshole. watch your language. sheesh.


JOKE JOKE JOKE.

FUCK YOU
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Old 12-01-2006, 08:46 AM   #28 (permalink)
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Old 12-01-2006, 10:56 AM   #29 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Full_Tilt_Fud
FUCK YOU
*walks away crying and sulking*

MOMMMMYYYY he said the bad eff word.......
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Old 12-01-2006, 11:02 AM   #30 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by OFRD_GRL
*walks away crying and sulking*

MOMMMMYYYY he said the bad eff word.......

Just as I suspected......all big and tough untill someone fights back.......then it's off to mommy.......
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