: Jokes/Funny stuff *could be offenseive, be warned, dont cry*


OFRD_GRL
11-15-2006, 10:27 AM
I get alot of good jokes & other stuff texted to me and feel the need to share them with you guys :)
so if you all have any good ones post them up.

this texted to me from nicole

Scientists have discovered that most women will, at some point, contain intelligent DNA. Unfortunately 95% of them will spit it out.

99ARTaco
11-15-2006, 10:44 AM
:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

OFRD_GRL
11-15-2006, 10:52 AM
A man walks up to a pharmacist and asks for a box of condoms for his 11 year old daughter. The pharmacist is shocked and he replies "Are you telling me your 11 year old daughter is sexually active?".

"I wouldn't say active, she pretty much just lays there like her mother."

RedRunnertc
11-15-2006, 01:28 PM
Oh, so she doesn't just send them to me!

A Chinese man calls his boss "no work, me sick". the boss says, "when I sick, I screw my wife. Try it". 2 hours later, the man calls in "I feel better. You got nice house."

Giving head is like eating sunflower seed. Put it in your mouth, suck it, get the nut, spit it out.

If pilgrims had killed a cat instead of a turkey for thanksgiving, we'd all be eating pussy this holiday.

the big bad wolf told Little Red Riding Hood to lift up her top so he could suck her boobies. "No!" said Little Red Riding Hood, lifting up her skirt. "Eat me like the book says!"

The police are looking for someone described as sexy, good looking, and great in bed. Your ass is safe, so can I hide at your place?

The life of a vagina: My hair's a mess, my relatives are lippy, my neighbor's an ass, my best friend's a dick, and my owner keeps giving me the finger.

The 10th annual penis sucking contest is Saturday. We are asking that you not participate so someone else could win this year. (The scary thing is I received this one from both sexy.taco and OFRD_GRL about 1 min apart)

OFRD_GRL
11-16-2006, 07:50 AM
Oh, so she doesn't just send them to me!

A Chinese man calls his boss "no work, me sick". the boss says, "when I sick, I screw my wife. Try it". 2 hours later, the man calls in "I feel better. You got nice house."

Giving head is like eating sunflower seed. Put it in your mouth, suck it, get the nut, spit it out.

If pilgrims had killed a cat instead of a turkey for thanksgiving, we'd all be eating pussy this holiday.

the big bad wolf told Little Red Riding Hood to lift up her top so he could suck her boobies. "No!" said Little Red Riding Hood, lifting up her skirt. "Eat me like the book says!"

The police are looking for someone described as sexy, good looking, and great in bed. Your ass is safe, so can I hide at your place?

The life of a vagina: My hair's a mess, my relatives are lippy, my neighbor's an ass, my best friend's a dick, and my owner keeps giving me the finger.

The 10th annual penis sucking contest is Saturday. We are asking that you not participate so someone else could win this year. (The scary thing is I received this one from both sexy.taco and OFRD_GRL about 1 min apart)

HAHA nope I get them too!

OFRD_GRL
11-16-2006, 10:09 AM
Funny text messages:
A penis says to his balls, get ready were going to a party. F*cking liar says his balls. You always go inside and leave us outside knocking.

Your sexy, your funny, you drive me insane
you f*ck me so hard Im always im pain
Your sexy voice puts me in slumber
of F*CK Im sorry, ive got the wrong number

I had a wet dream about you last night. I pissed myself laughing when you fell off a cliff.

A fat blackman finds a genies lamp. His wishes are to be skinny white and surrounded by p*ssy. The genie said POOF and that n*gga turned into a tampon.

The police found a body with no brain, fucked up teeth, a small set of tits and a swollen asshole. Im worried, call me if you're ok.

Today its cool to have small cars and small computers. Someday it will be cool to have a small penis and then you my friend will be the man.

NEV2DEP
11-21-2006, 02:52 PM
A woman was very distraught over the fact that she had not had a date Or any sex for over 5 years. She was afraid she might have something Wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of the well known Chinese sex therapist, Dr.Chang.

Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all your crose."
The woman did as she was told.
Now get down and craw reery, reery fass to odderside of room."
Again, the woman did as she was instructed.
Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me."
As she did, Dr. Chang shook his head slowly. "Your probrem vewy bad.
You haf Ed Zachary Disease, Worse case I ever see.
Dat why you not haf sex or dates."

The woman asked anxiously, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease"?

Dr. Chang sighed deeply and replied, "Ed Zachary Disease is when your face look Ed Zachary like your ass."

OFRD_GRL
11-27-2006, 05:45 PM
wtf why was my post edited?
Last edited by RedRunnertc : 11-16-2006 at 01:17 PM.

the thread title specifically says no crying offensive dont cry.

99TanTaco
11-27-2006, 07:53 PM
You should've used "frack" :D

Or maybe it's been less than 100 posts since you dropped your last f-bomb :rolleyes:

I thought this was settled a month ago http://www.ttora.com/forum/showpost.php?p=582630&postcount=28 ,guess you'll have to wait for Troy's explanation

OFRD_GRL
11-28-2006, 07:42 PM
yes but the title say no effing cry effing babies.

RedRunnertc
11-28-2006, 09:29 PM
I thought one f-bomb per line was excessive. Should have sent a PM - sorry.

OFRD_GRL
11-29-2006, 07:52 AM
WT F ing HELL
thats gay. no offense troy. (wait, is gay a cuss word too?)
all i can say if EFFING cry babies.
seriously.
im so done with this chit.
if you come into a thread that tells you you will probably be offended, and you get offended and edit something - your retarded. dont come in the thread in the first place.
im just gonna post my cool stuff elsewhere from now on.
F-BOMB this CHIT!

Full_Tilt_Fud
11-29-2006, 09:27 AM
if you come into a thread that tells you you will probably be offended, and you get offended and edit something - your retarded.


That is the world we live in today and it sucks :xmoon:


i mean logic would tell you the coffee is hot yet some bitch burnt herself and was able to sue mcdonalds for millions..........it is fawking stupid but it happens.

NEV2DEP
11-29-2006, 11:19 AM
COME ON Troy! Are you just trying to stir shit?
The thread did contain a warning to stay out if your easliy offened.
(Jokes/Funny stuff *could be offenseive, be warned, dont cry* )
And YOU said pussy,dick,vigina,penis,screw,and ass x 2 in your post.

Oh, so she doesn't just send them to me!

A Chinese man calls his boss "no work, me sick". the boss says, "when I sick, I screw my wife. Try it". 2 hours later, the man calls in "I feel better. You got nice house."

Giving head is like eating sunflower seed. Put it in your mouth, suck it, get the nut, spit it out.

If pilgrims had killed a cat instead of a turkey for thanksgiving, we'd all be eating pussy this holiday.

the big bad wolf told Little Red Riding Hood to lift up her top so he could suck her boobies. "No!" said Little Red Riding Hood, lifting up her skirt. "Eat me like the book says!"

The police are looking for someone described as sexy, good looking, and great in bed. Your ass is safe, so can I hide at your place?

The life of a vagina: My hair's a mess, my relatives are lippy, my neighbor's an ass, my best friend's a dick, and my owner keeps giving me the finger.

The 10th annual penis sucking contest is Saturday. We are asking that you not participate so someone else could win this year. (The scary thing is I received this one from both sexy.taco and OFRD_GRL about 1 min apart)

This silly shit is getting old!

Froggygirl
11-29-2006, 01:00 PM
x2!!!!!!!!!

99TanTaco
11-29-2006, 02:17 PM
x3, she did put a disclaimer in the title

And for the record, this is exactly why I don't like the rule being "excessive". I'm beginning to think things would be simpler if just used the rules from the NB

OFRD_GRL
11-29-2006, 06:02 PM
COME ON Troy!
And YOU said pussy,dick,vigina,penis,screw,and ass x 2 in your post.

im glad im not the only one who noticed.


x3, she did put a disclaimer in the title
things would be simpler if just used the rules from the NB
thanks!
i agree NB rules are good.

sexy.taco
11-29-2006, 11:21 PM
wow... it appears those silly things are getting some further use than just annoyance... lol! I just get them from random people and don't know what to do with them so I send them on to other people for random confusion!

What's up Una? And why the FUCK is Troy still have mod powers for OH? I thought he moved here like months ago... :rolleyes: Ya'll should start and F U RedRunner trend from OH!

Hey Troy you live in CO right? Or was that another one of those hallucinations I periodically have... I'm sure you just can't get enough of my CO love!!!! :p And get off work early so your down in Moab with the rest of us early enough to run something! :)

Oh yeah... and another thing Troy :flipoff1: Fuckity, fuck, fuck, fuck... :neener: No worries, you'll only have to deal with me for like another month then I'll be Mike's and NorCal's problem... :eek:

Ahhhhh, can I get banned from the OH chapter only? :cool: Ok I promise to leave you guys alone for a while again... :D

OFRD_GRL
11-30-2006, 06:54 AM
lol nice nic!

SuperPoser
11-30-2006, 10:41 AM
wow
I missed a lot in a week...

what happened to no fbomb? I thought we were using frack :confused:

SuperPoser
11-30-2006, 10:49 AM
No worries, you'll only have to deal with me for like another month then I'll be Mike's and NorCal's problem... :eek:
Move out to Ohio :D who likes NorCal anyways :rofl:

OFRD_GRL
11-30-2006, 10:51 AM
at least you can swear freely in norcal.
its a bad thing when you have to censor your JOKES.

NEV2DEP
11-30-2006, 11:00 AM
Letters to Santa and from Santa



deer santa:
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy all yeer.
Yer Frend,

BiLLy



Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care. How about I
send you a frigging book so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving
your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell!
Santa
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------


Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace
and joy in the world for everybody!
Love,
Sarah



Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?
Santa
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------



Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my
mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.
Love,Teddy



Dear Teddy,
Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a
hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your
frigid, fat mom, who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up that
dream. Let me get you some nice Legos instead. Maybe you can build
yourself a family with those?

Santa
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------



Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, a Playstation 3, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a
drum kit, a pony and a tuba.

Love,
Francis



Dear Francis,
Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays? I bet you're gay.

Santa
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------



Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left
carrots for your reindeer outside the back door.
Love,
Susan



Dear Susan,

Milk gives me the shits and carrots make the deer fart in my face when
riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Two words, Jack
Daniels.

Santa
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------


Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys?
Your friend,
Thomas



Dear Thomas,

All the toys are made by little kids like you in China. Every year I
give them a slice of bread as a Christmas bonus. I have a condo in
Vegas, where I spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I
unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail
waitresses while losing money at the craps table.


Santa
P.S.
Tell your mom she got the part.
"Long Dong Claus"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------



Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake,
like in the song?
Love, Jessica



Dear Jessica,
Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I'm
skipping your house.

Santa
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------



Dear Santa,
I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please
PLEASE PLEASE could I have one?
Timmy



Timmy,

That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap doesn't
work with me. You're getting an ugly sweater again.

Santa
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------



Dearest Santa,
We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home?
Love,
Marky



Mark,

First, stop calling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting your ass
kicked at school. Second, you don't live in a house; you live in a
low-rent, ghetto apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just
like all the burglars do, through your bedroom window.

Sweet Dreams,

Santa

Full_Tilt_Fud
11-30-2006, 02:02 PM
Joe.......That is the funniest shit I have seen in a long time..... :rofl:

OFRD_GRL
11-30-2006, 08:01 PM
Joe.......That is the funniest shit I have seen in a long time..... :rofl:
goddamnit you asshole. watch your language. sheesh.


:D JOKE JOKE JOKE.

SuperPoser
11-30-2006, 08:39 PM
goddamnit you asshole. watch your language. sheesh.


:D JOKE JOKE JOKE.
damnit, don't use the lords name in vain!

Full_Tilt_Fud
12-01-2006, 06:05 AM
goddamnit you asshole. watch your language. sheesh.


:D JOKE JOKE JOKE.


FUCK YOU :D

NEV2DEP
12-01-2006, 08:46 AM
http://www.thebestpageintheuniverse.net/c.cgi?u=911_morons :rofl: :rofl:

OFRD_GRL
12-01-2006, 10:56 AM
FUCK YOU :D
*walks away crying and sulking*

MOMMMMYYYY he said the bad eff word.......

Full_Tilt_Fud
12-01-2006, 11:02 AM
*walks away crying and sulking*

MOMMMMYYYY he said the bad eff word.......


Just as I suspected......all big and tough untill someone fights back.......then it's off to mommy.......

OFRD_GRL
12-01-2006, 01:34 PM
Just as I suspected......all big and tough untill someone fights back.......then it's off to mommy.......
LOL ok smartass. thats enough out of the peanut gallery!

Tweeter
12-01-2006, 02:11 PM
What's the difference between acne and a priest?




















Acne waits to come on your face until you're 13.

Tweeter
12-01-2006, 02:15 PM
A Chinese couple get married ... and she's a virgin.

On the wedding night, she cowers naked under the bed sheets as her husband undresses. He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring: "My darling, I know this is your first time, and you are frightened. I assure you, I will give you anything you want, I will do anything you want. What do you want?"

"I want number 69" she replies.

"You want beef with broccoli?"

Tweeter
12-01-2006, 02:18 PM
There are 3 cowboys sitting around a campfire. One from Arkansas, Oklahoma, and the last from Texas. Each one is telling stories trying to prove they're more manlier than the other fellows.

So the Arkansas cowboy starts first bragging about a steer.
"It killed 5 men today at the local rodeo, so I walked right up and grabbed it by the horns and wrestled it to the ground and broke its neck with my bear hands!"

The Oklahoma man replies "Oh that's nothing, there was a 15 foot rattler on my ranch today, I grabbed it, bit it's head off, and cooked it up for some supper that same night!"

And the Texan sat there quietly stirring the coals with his dick...

:D

Full_Tilt_Fud
12-01-2006, 02:41 PM
LOL ok smartass. thats enough out of the peanut gallery!


:neener:

Lysmachia
12-04-2006, 11:38 AM
Ye-Haw - Bout Time Ohio Got rid of those fucked up non cursing rules! *SMIRK*

Ok - seriously I do think the NB rules are better but Troy was just doing what had been agreed upon. Cut him some slackola :D At any rate looks like the rules have now changed!

OFRD_GRL
12-05-2006, 10:55 AM
Troy was just doing what had been agreed upon
troys not in ohio hes not allowed to do anything.



:D

OFRD_GRL
12-05-2006, 10:56 AM
3 tampons are walking down the street: Mini, Maxi and Super. Which one says hello first?

























None, they're all stuck up c*nts.

NEV2DEP
12-12-2006, 12:11 PM
A Christmas Story

'Twas the night before Christmas--Old Santa was pissed.
He cussed out the elves and threw down his list.
Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks.
I have a good mind to scrap the whole works!

I've busted my ass for damn near a year,
Instead of "Thanks Santa"--what do I hear?
The old lady bitches cause I work late at night.
The elves want more money--The reindeer all fight.

Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids.
Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS.
And just when I thought that things would get better
Those assholes from the IRS sent me a letter,
They say I owe taxes--if that ain't damn funny
Who the hell ever sent Santa Claus any money?

And the kids these days--they all are the pits
They want the impossible--Those mean little shits
I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds
Assembling dolls...Their arms, legs and heads
I made a ton of yo yo's--No request for them,
They want computers and robots...they think - I'm IBM!

Flying through the air...dodging the trees
Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees
I'm quitting this job there's just no enjoyment
I'll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment.

There's no Christmas this year now you know the reason,
I found me a blonde. I'm going SOUTH for the season

OFRD_GRL
12-12-2006, 01:17 PM
lol cute

Full_Tilt_Fud
01-09-2007, 09:22 PM
Men strike back!


How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing

machine will probably never be able to support you.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows
Them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to
Build up the required pressure.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife

is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
--------------------------------------------------! -------- ---------
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told
-------------------------------------------------------------------
I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Scientists have discovered a food that

diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Women will never be equal to men until they can

walk down the street with a bald head and a beer
gut, and still think they are sexy.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

NEV2DEP
01-11-2007, 03:14 PM
A man walks into a bar and asks for six shots of vodka. The bartender says, "Six shots?! What's wrong?" "I found out my older brother is gay," replied the man.

The next night, he walked into the bar again and asked for six shots of vodka. "What now?" asked the bartender. "I found out my younger brother is gay," replied the man.

The night after that, the man walked into the bar again and asked for six shots of vodka. "Jeez, does ANYBODY in your family like women?" asked the bartender. The man replied, "Yeah, my wife does."

OFRD_GRL
01-11-2007, 08:21 PM
A man walks into a bar and asks for six shots of vodka. The bartender says, "Six shots?! What's wrong?" "I found out my older brother is gay," replied the man.

The next night, he walked into the bar again and asked for six shots of vodka. "What now?" asked the bartender. "I found out my younger brother is gay," replied the man.

The night after that, the man walked into the bar again and asked for six shots of vodka. "Jeez, does ANYBODY in your family like women?" asked the bartender. The man replied, "Yeah, my wife does."
oh snap

OFRD_GRL
01-12-2007, 08:49 AM
Here's to your laugh for today:
Little Mary-Margaret was not the best student in Catholic School. Usually, she slept through the class. One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping.

"Tell me Mary Margaret, who created the universe?"
When Mary Margaret didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.

"God Almighty!" shouted Mary Margaret.

The Nun said, "Very good" and continued teaching her class.

A little later the nun asked Mary Margaret, Who is our Lord and savior?" But she didn't stir from her slumber.

Once again, little Johnny came to her rescue and stuck Mary Margaret in the butt.

" Jesus Christ!" shouted Mary Margaret and the Nun once again said,
"Very good," and Mary Margaret fell back asleep.

The Nun asked her a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?"

Again, Johnny came to the rescue. This time Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"

The Nun fainted.

gimemoore
01-16-2007, 05:54 PM
A guy comes into work one Monday morning REALLY happy. So, his buddy asks him, "What's up with you? You're never this happy?"

The guy replies, "While I was walking home Friday, I found a young woman with a really hot body tied to the railroad tracks. Well, I couldn't let her just lay there waiting to get hit, so I untied her. Then, I took her back to my place for the best weekend I've had in ages. I nailed her in the front, and in the rear -- it was GREAT!!!"

His friend replies, "Wow!! That sounds like a good time. Did she blow you, too??"

The guy says, "Nah, I never did find her head."

NEV2DEP
01-19-2007, 08:31 AM
MEDICARE COVERAGE IN A NUTSHELL

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, "Hello, this is Mrs. Ward."

"Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical Testing Laboratory. When your doctor sent your husband's biopsy to the lab yesterday, a biopsy from another Mr. Ward arrived as well, and we are now uncertain which one is your husband's.

Frankly the results are either bad or terrible."

"What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asks nervously.

"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's, and the other one tested positive for AIDS. We can't tell which is your husband's."

"That's dreadful! Can't you do the test again?"

"Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time."

"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"

"The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."

OFRD_GRL
01-19-2007, 03:56 PM
What do you call a West Virginian whos never been married?




An only child


:D sorry joe i think you said your from west virginia LOL

ugly's ok
01-21-2007, 08:56 AM
Q: What is better than winning a medal at the Special Olympics?
> A: Not being retarded
> Q: What's blue and f--ks old people?
> A: Hypothermia
> Q: What's the first thing a woman does when she gets out of the
>battered wife's shelter?
> A: The dishes if she knows what's good for her
> Q: How do you swat 200 flies at one time
> A: Hit an Ethiopian in the face with a frying pan.
> Q: What is the definition of "making love"?
> A: Something a woman does while a guy is f--king her.
> Q: What do 54,000, abused woman every year have in common?
> A: They don't fucking listen.
> Q: What's yellow and green and eats nuts?
> A: Gonorrhea.
> Q: Why did God create yeast infections?
> A: So women would know what it's like to live with an irritating
>cunt once in a while too.
> Q. How can you tell a macho woman?
> A. She rolls her own tampons.
> Q. What's the difference between a woman and a sheep?
> A. The sheep doesn't get upset if you screw her sister.
> Q. What's the difference between acne and a Michael Jackson?
> A. Acne usually doesn't come on a kid's face until he's at least 13
>years old.
> Q. How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
> A. Marry it.
> Q. What do you get when you cross two black people?
> A. Your ass kicked.
> Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
> A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.
> Q. Why do men pay more for car insurance?
> A. Because women don't get blow jobs while they're driving.
> Q. What's the difference between mayonnaise & semen?
> A. Mayonnaise doesn't hit the back of a girl's throat at thirty
>miles an hour.
> Q. Why do women call it PMS?
> A. Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
> Q. What's a mixed feeling?
> A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new
>car.
> Q. What's the height of conceit?
> A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.
> Q. What's the definition of macho?
> A. Jogging home from your own vasectomy.
> Q. How can you tell if you're at a bulimic bachelor party?
> A. The cake jumps out of the girl.
> Q. What's the difference between oral sex & anal sex?
> A. Oral sex makes your day. Anal sex makes your hole weak.
> Q. What's so good about an Ethiopian blowjob?
> A. You know she'll swallow.
> Q. Why don't they teach driver's education and sex education on the
>same day in Iraq?
> A. They don't want to wear out the camel.
> Q. What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?
> A. A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.
> Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
> A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball.
> Q. How do the little boys at Michael Jackson's ranch know when it is
>bedtime?
> A. When the big hand touches the little hand...
> Q. How do you know when it's time to wash dishes and clean the
>house?
> A. Look inside your pants; if you have a penis, it's not time.
> Q. Do you know how Canadians practice safe sex? (Rump)
> A. They spray paint X's on the back of the animals that kick.
> Q. Why is divorce so expensive?
> A. Because it's worth it.

OFRD_GRL
01-21-2007, 12:07 PM
> Q. Why don't they teach driver's education and sex education on the
>same day in Iraq?
> A. They don't want to wear out the camel.


that ones a good one :)

OFRD_GRL
01-21-2007, 12:08 PM
A mother hears a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom, so she opens the door and finds her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator. "What the hell are you doing?" the mom asks.

"I'm 35 and I still live at home with my parents. This is the closest I'll ever get to having a husband," replies the daughter.

Later that same week the father hears the humming noise and finds his daughter with her vibrator. "What are you doing?" he asks.

"I'm 35 and I still live at home with my parents. This is the closest I'll ever get to having a husband," replies the daughter.

A few days later the mother hears the humming noise coming from the den, so she bursts into the room (quite annoyed) and is surprised to see her husband sitting on the couch, watching TV with the vibrator buzzing away next to him.

"What in God's name are you doing?" she asks.

"Watching the game with my son-in-law!"

OFRD_GRL
01-21-2007, 12:09 PM
A guy walks into a bar and tells the bartender, "Give me 5 shots of Jack!"

The bartender asks "Are you having a bad day?"

The guy replies, "Nope, I'm celebrating my first blowjob!"

The bartender congradulates him and says, "Well in that case, let me give you a beer on the house."

The guy replies, "No thanks, if this doesn't take the taste out of my mouth, nothing will."

OFRD_GRL
01-21-2007, 12:11 PM
A young teenaged girl was a prostitute and, for obvious reasons, kept it a secret from her Grandma. One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl.

The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk. Well, who should be walking in the neighborhood, but little old Grandma. The young girl became frantic.

Sure enough, Grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked curiously, "What are you lining up for dear?" Not willing to let grandma in on her secret, the young girl said that some people were giving out free oranges and that she was lining up for some.

"Mmmm, sounds lovely," said Grandma, "I think I'll have some myself," she continued as she made her way to the back of the line. A police officer made his way down the line, questioning all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma at the end of the line, he was bewildered. "But, you're so old, how do you do it?"

Grandma replied," Oh, it's quite easy sonny, I just remove my dentures and suck 'em dry."

OFRD_GRL
01-21-2007, 12:14 PM
From the Northwest Florida Daily News comes this story of a Crestview couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have their car breakdown in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot.

The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones.

Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand up his shorts, and tucked everything back into place. On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by. The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.

NEV2DEP
02-13-2007, 06:46 PM
"Fuck Valentines Day"


Hearts and roses and kisses galore...
What the hell is all that shit for?
People get mushy and start acting queer
It is definatley the most annoying day of the year
This day needs to get the hell over with and pass
Before i shove a dozen roses up Cupid's ass
I'll spend the day so drunk I can't speak
And wear all black for the rest of the week
Girls act all sweet, but it soon will fade
For all they are doing is trying to get laid
The arrow Cupid shot at me must not have hit
Because I think love is a crock of shit
So heres my story...what else can I say?
Love bites my ass...Fuck Valentines Day!

ugly's ok
02-13-2007, 07:45 PM
Valentines day o no i still have to hit up the book store on 200th

99TanTaco
02-14-2007, 07:41 PM
(found this on another forum)

This morning, from a cave somewhere in Pakistan, Taliban Minister of
Migration, Mohammed Omar, warned the United States and Canada that if
military action against Iraq continues, Taliban authorities will cut off America's
and Canada's supply of convenience store managers.
And if this action does not yield sufficient results, cab drivers will be next,
followed by Dell customer service reps.
It's getting ugly.

OFRD_GRL
02-15-2007, 09:08 AM
I LIVE IN OHIO!

Forget Rednecks,here is what Jeff Foxworthy has to say about Ohioans...

If your local Dairy Queen is closed from September through May, you May live in Ohio.

If someone in a Home Depot store offers you assistance and they don't work there, you may live in Ohio.

If you've worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you may live in Ohio

If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you may live in Ohio.

If "Vacation" means going anywhere south of Columbus for the Weekend, you may live in Ohio.

If you measure distance in hours, you may live in Ohio.

If you know several people who have hit a deer more than once, you may live in Ohio.

If you have switched from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day and back again, you may live in Ohio.

If you can drive 75 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard without flinching, you may live in Ohio.

If you install security lights on your house and garage, but leave both unlocked, you may live in Ohio.

If you carry jumper cables in your car and your wife knows how to use them, you may live in Ohio.

If you design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit, you may live in Ohio.

If the speed limit on the highway is 55 mph -- you're going 80 and everybody is passing you, you may live in Ohio.

If driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow, you may live in Ohio.

If you know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and road construction, you may live in Ohio.

If you have more miles on your snow blower than your car, you may live in Ohio.

If you find 10 degrees "a little chilly", you may live in Ohio.

If you actually understand these jokes, and forward them to all your Ohio friends & others, you definitely live in Ohio.

SuperPoser
02-15-2007, 09:32 AM
thats a good one, however thoes have been around for a long time... when did jeff foxworthy come up with these?

Still2Low
02-15-2007, 09:45 AM
1. What do a puppy dog and a near sighted gynecologist have in common?


They both have wet noses.


2. What do a pizza delivery boy and gynecologist have in common?


They both can smell but cant eat it.

and im sure i'll go to hell for this one but...

3. What has a million legs and cant walk?


Jerry's Kids.

OFRD_GRL
02-15-2007, 10:09 AM
thats a good one, however thoes have been around for a long time... when did jeff foxworthy come up with these?
hell if i know i got it in an email and copied and posted.

sexy.taco
02-15-2007, 10:55 AM
hell if i know i got it in an email and copied and posted.
I do that too... who gives a shit. Here I'll join ya with another repost: :D

You are a Coloradoan if ..............



1. You switch from "Heat" to "A/C" in one day.

2. You know what the "Peoples Republic of Boulder" means.

3. Your sense of direction is: towards the mountains and away from the
mountains.

4. You're a meat-eating vegetarian.

5. The bike on your car is worth more than your car and you have your
own special bike lane.

6. You're able to drive 65 miles per hour through 13 feet of snow
during a raging blizzard without even flinching.

7. You take your out-of-town guests to Casa Bonita even though you
would never go there otherwise.

8. You think your major food groups are granola bars, tofu and Fat Tire
Beer.

9. You design your kid's Halloween costumes to fit over a snowsuit.

10. You think that sexy lingerie is wool socks and flannel PJs.

11. You know all 4 seasons "almost winter, winter, still winter and
spring blizzards

12. You've been tear gassed in a riot to celebrate a CU/CSU victory.

13. You can never figure out why your out-of-town guests faint from
altitude sickness on a picnic to the mountains.

14. You can drive over a 12,000-foot pass in 4 feet of snow, but can't
get to work if there are 4 inches of snow.

15. You know the 'correct' pronunciation of Buena Vista.

16. When you visit friends at sea level, you can drink a case of beer
and not get a buzz.

17. Your car insurance costs more than your car.

18. You have surge protectors on every outlet.

19. April showers bring May blizzards.

20. 'Timberline' is someplace you have actually been.

21. You know what a 'Chinook' is

22. You know what a 'Rocky Mountain Oyster' is.

23. You know what a "fourteener" is.

24. But you don't know what a "turn signal" is.

25. A bear on your front porch doesn't bother you nearly as much as a
Democrat in Congress does.

26. Your golf bag has a 9-iron, a 3-wood and a lightning rod.

27. You know who Alfred Packer was and what he did.

28. You know who Baby Doe Tabor was.

29. SPF 90 is not out of the question.

30. People from out of state breathe 5 times as often as you do.

31. Having a Senator named Nighthorse doesn't seem strange.

32. Thunder has set off your car alarm.

33. A full moon has never kept you awake at night.

34. You have an $800 stereo in your $300 truck.

35. A sudden loss of cabin pressure is not a big deal.

36. You think a red light means 3 more cars can go.

37. Where we're going, we don't need roads!!

38. You know where Doc Holliday's grave is.

39. You know where Buffalo Bill's grave is.

40. You know where the real "South Park" is.

41. You can recognize the license plates of all 50 states on sight.

42. Driving directions usually include 'Go over _________ Pass.'

43. You've 'checked for ticks'

44. You've dressed in shorts, sandals, and a parka with a hood.

45. You've gone snow skiing in July and.........

46. You've played golf in January and.......

47. They were in the same year!

48. You've urinated on the Continental Divide just so it could 'run
into both oceans

49. You know what a down slope and an up slope weather pattern is

50. And the most important: You get a certain feeling of satisfaction
from knowing that California and Texas are both downstream.

51. You actually understand these jokes and send them to your Colorado
friends

OFRD_GRL
02-15-2007, 11:06 AM
50. And the most important: You get a certain feeling of satisfaction
from knowing that California and Texas are both downstream.

LMFAO thats the best for sure... too bad your in norcal now ;)

sexy.taco
02-15-2007, 11:11 AM
LMFAO thats the best for sure... too bad your in norcal now ;)
haha... when I was looking for the repost to repost and was reading through them I thought the same thing :)

Here is an email I got yesterday:

Religious Squirrels

There were Five country churches in a small TEXAS town:
The Presbyterian Church, the Baptist Church, the Methodist Church, the Catholic Church, and the Jewish Synagogue.

Each church was overrun with pesky squirrels .


One day, the Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration, they Determined
that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they should not interfere with God's divine will.

In The BAPTIST CHURCH the squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a cover on the baptistery and drown the squirrels in it. The squirrels escaped somehow and there were twice as many there the next week.

The Methodist Church got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creation. So, they humanely trapped the
Squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.

But -- The Catholic CHURCH came up with the best and most effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the
church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.


Not much w as heard about the Jewish Synagogue. They took one squirrel and had a short service with him called circumcision. They haven't
seen a squirrel on the property since.

ugly's ok
02-15-2007, 05:21 PM
You know what a 'Rocky Mountain Oyster' is. Now thats fun!:rofl:

OFRD_GRL
02-15-2007, 07:46 PM
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rocky_Mountain_oysters

Rocky Mountain oysters, mountain oysters, swinging sirloin or prairie oysters are culinary names given to boar or bull testicles. They are usually peeled, coated in flour, pepper and salt, sometimes pounded flat, then deep-fried. Boar (hog) "Mountain oysters" or "Rocky Mountain oysters" are served in some Mid-west areas such as in Illinois, and Iowa.

It is a well-known novelty dish in parts of the American West and the Canadian Prairies where cattle ranching is prevalent. The name is derived from the Rocky Mountains. In Oklahoma and North Texas, they are sometimes called calf fries, in many parts of Mexico they are referred to as "criadillas" and are colloquially referred to as huevos de toro (literally, "bullís eggs" but huevos is also a Spanish slang term for testicles) in Central and South America. Rocky Mountain oysters are sometimes incorrectly associated with lamb fries, which are animelles that are served in a manner similar to Rocky Mountain oysters.

The dish is most commonly found served at festivals, such as the ones in Montana and Phoenix, Arizona, amongst ranching families, or at certain eating establishments and bars that specialize in it. Eagle, Idaho boasts the "World's largest Rocky Mountain Oyster feed" during it's Eagle Fun Days. (typically the first weekend in June.)

Froggygirl
02-15-2007, 07:54 PM
I think that's more than what I wanted to know about them. :p I would try them though.

OFRD_GRL
02-15-2007, 09:31 PM
not i LOL

RedRunnertc
02-15-2007, 09:45 PM
They're nothing special. Not really any taste at all - guess you could say "tastes like chicken".

NEV2DEP
02-28-2007, 11:53 AM
Redneck Man's pick up lines

1) Did you fart?
cuz you blew me away.

2) Are yer parents retarded?
cuz ya sure are special.

3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea .
I can't hold it in.

4) Do you have a library card?
cuz I'd like to sign you out.

5) Is there a mirror in yer pants?
cuz I can see myself in em.

6) If you was a tree I were a Squirrel,
I'd store my nuts in yer hole.

7) You might not be the best lookin girl here, but beauty's only a light
switch away.

8) Man - "Fat Penguin!"
Woman - "WHAT?"
Man - "I just wanted to say something that would break the ice."

9) I know I'm no Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make yer bed-rock.

10) I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him?
I think he went inta this cheap motel room.

11) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner.

12) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin, we kin sleep til afternoon.

and.... the best for last!

13) Yer face reminds me of a wrench, every time I think of it my nuts tighten up.

blown4runner
03-01-2007, 11:28 AM
NEW DRUGS FOR WOMEN

DAMNITOL
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full
hours.

EMPTYNESTROGEN
Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you
of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they
moved out.

ST. MOMMA'S WORT
Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers
unconscious for up to two days.

PEPTOBIMBO
Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before
an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and
prevents conception.

DUMBEROL
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cau se dangerously low IQ, resulting in
enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.

FLIPITOR
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the
urge to flip off other drivers.

MENICILLIN
Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such
lethal lines as, "You make me want to be a better person. "

BUYAGRA
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency,
duration, and credit limit of spending spree.

JACKASSPIRIN
Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday,
anniversary, phone¬ number, or to lift the toilet seat

ANTI-TALKSIDENT
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to
share their life stories with total strangers in elevators

NAGAMENT
When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same
irritation level as nagging him.

RedRunnertc
03-01-2007, 12:18 PM
NEW DRUGS FOR WOMEN
PEPTOBIMBO
Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before
an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and
prevents conception.

DUMBEROL
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cau se dangerously low IQ, resulting in
enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.


So, how long have you been buying these in bulk?

(Dammit, I can't find the pic of you with your cowboy hat on :mad: )

ugly's ok
03-01-2007, 05:09 PM
PEPTOBIMBO
Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before
an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and
prevents conception.
I need some of this! LMFAO

OFRD_GRL
03-05-2007, 08:52 AM
Bobbitt Family Update
In a recent news broadcast,
it was announced that Lorena Bobbitt's sister, Louella,
was arrested for an alleged attempt to perform the same act on her husband
as her famous sister had done several years ago.
Sources reveal the sister was not as accurate as Lorena.

She allegedly missed the target
and stabbed her husband in the upper thigh
causing severe muscle and tendon damage.
The husband is reported to be in serious, but stable condition,
and Louella has been charged with
..
..


.

A Misdewiener!

OFRD_GRL
03-06-2007, 11:16 AM
mexican Prayer
Pedro Was Driving Down The Street In A Sweat
Because He Had An Mportant Meeting And
Couldn't Find A Parking Place.
Looking Up Toward Heaven, He Said
"lord, Take Pity On Me.
If You Find Me A Parking Place I Will Go To Mass Every Sunday
For The Rest Of My Life And Give Up Tequila."
Miraculously, A Parking Place Appeared.
Pedro Looked Up Again And Said, "never Mind. I Found One."

OFRD_GRL
03-08-2007, 06:57 PM
Buenos Dias!!

Jou Have Yust Received A Mehican Birus!!!!!

Since We Not So Technologically Adbanced In Mehico, Dis Is A Manual Birus.

Por Favor Delete All The Files On Jour Hard Drive Jourself And Send This E-mail To Eberyone Jou Know.

Tan Jou Por Yelping Me.

Julio Manuel Jose Rodriguez Garcia
Mehican Hacker

blown4runner
03-13-2007, 10:29 AM
Man: Where have you been all my life?
Woman: Hiding from you.

Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.

Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.

Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.

Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.

Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized.

Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today

Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?

Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.

Man: If I could rearrange the alphabet I'd put u and i together
Woman: Really, I'd put f and u together

OFRD_GRL
03-13-2007, 11:55 AM
There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his
money, and was a real miser when it came to his money. Just before he died,
he said to his wife, "When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it
in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me."
And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he
died she would put all of the money in the casket with him. Well, he died.
He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and
her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, just
before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait
just a minute!" She had a box with her; she came over with the box and put
it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and they rolled
it away. So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put
all that money in there with your husband." The loyal wife replied "Listen,
I'm a Christian, I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was going
to put that money in that casket with him." "You mean to tell me you put
that money in the casket with him!!!!?" "I sure did," said the wife. "I got
it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a check. If he can
cash it, he can spend it."

OFRD_GRL
03-16-2007, 09:47 AM
What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan


What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.


What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover ?
The position of the dirt bag


Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.


What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts


Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.


What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.


What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.


What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
10 years and 45 lbs


What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes



Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.


Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.



What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you



Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.



Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.



What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.



What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"



Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.



Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia ?
Everyone has the same DNA.



Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.



Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.



Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.


Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a blond baby?
They named him "Sum Ting Wong"


What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment



What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe".



How do you get a sweet 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!



What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time ..." -A southern fairytale begins
"Y'all ain't gonna believe this s**t....



Why is there no Disneyland in Japan ?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides

OFRD_GRL
03-19-2007, 06:16 AM
O x ym o r o n s for 2007

1 . Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?

2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?

3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?

4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?

5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

6. Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?

7. Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?

8. Why do "tug" boats push their barges?

9. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?

10. Why are the y called "stands" when they are made for sitting?

11. Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?

12. Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?

13. Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?

14. Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?

15. Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?

16. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?

17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

18. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

19. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?

20. Why is bra singular and panties plural?

21. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?

22. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?

23. How come abbreviated is such a long word?

24. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?

25. Why doesn't glue stick to the in side of the bottle?

26. Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?

27. Christmas - What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks

OFRD_GRL
03-19-2007, 06:23 AM
Who's working anyway?
The population of this country is 300 million.
160 million are retired.
That leaves 140 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school.
Which leaves 55 million to do the work.
Of this there are 35 million employed by the federal government.
Leaving 15 million to do the work.
2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing Osama
Bin-Laden.
Which leaves 12.2 million to do the work.
Take from that total the 10.8 million people who work! for state
and city governments.
And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.
At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.
Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.
That leaves just two people to do the work.
You and me.
And there you are,
sitting on your ass,
at your computer, reading jokes.
Nice. Real nice.

OFRD_GRL
03-22-2007, 04:39 PM
It has been scientifically proven that if we drink 1 liter of water
each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo
of Escherichia coli (E. coli) bacteria found in feces. Body waste.

In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop. However, we do not run
that risk when drinking wine (or rum, whiskey, beer or other liquor)
because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling or
filtering
and/or fermenting.

WATER = poop

WINE = HEALTH

Ergo: It's better to drink wine and talk stupid than to drink water and
be full of crap.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information.
I am doing it as a public service

ohio03trdtaco
03-22-2007, 04:55 PM
It has been scientifically proven that if we drink 1 liter of water
each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo
of Escherichia coli (E. coli) bacteria found in feces. Body waste.

In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop. However, we do not run
that risk when drinking wine (or rum, whiskey, beer or other liquor)
because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling or
filtering
and/or fermenting.

WATER = poop

WINE = HEALTH

Ergo: It's better to drink wine and talk stupid than to drink water and
be full of crap.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information.
I am doing it as a public service

I think this one is a repost. :D

RedRunnertc
03-22-2007, 08:50 PM
I think this one is a repost. :D

Technically, not.

Joe's version said "BEER" not "WINE".

:rofl:

Still2Low
03-26-2007, 11:50 AM
The perfect Wal-Mart Greeter

A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walks into WalMart with her
two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

The WalMart Greeter says, "Good morning and welcome
to Walmart .... Nice children you've got there - are they twins?"

The ugly woman stops screaming long enough to say,
"Hell no they ain't, the oldest one, he's 9 and the younger one, she's
7.
Why the hell would you think they're twins?........ Do you really think they
look alike?"
No", replies the greeter, "I just couldn't believe
you got laid twice!"

Still2Low
03-26-2007, 11:53 AM
Manisms



1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss's car.
(d) One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".
(e) When she is using her teeth.

3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.

4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.

6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.

8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.

12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.

13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.

19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.

21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
a) Yeah, Baby, Push it!
b) C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
c) Another set and we can hit the showers!

22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.

24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was.

25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.

26: Thou shalt not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.

27: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of story.

28: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever. We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below:
"GUTS" is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, "are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?"
"BALLS" is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say, "You're next!"

We hope this clears up any confusion,

The International Council of Manhood, Ltd.

Still2Low
03-26-2007, 11:56 AM
The Horth Withperer

Bob calls his buddy Sam, the horse rancher, and says he's sending a friend
over to look at a horse. Sam ask How will I recognize him?
that's easy, he's a midget with a speech impidement.
so, the midget shows up, and Sam asks him if he's looking for a male or
female horse? a female horth, so Sam shows
him a prize filly. Nith lookin horth, can I thee her earzth? so Sam picks
up the little fella and gives the horse's eyes the once over. nith eyzth,can
I thee her earzth? so Sam picks up the little fella again, and shows him
the horse's ears. nith earzth, can I see her mouf? the rancher is gettin'
preety ticked off by this point, but picks him up again and shows him the
horse's mouth.
nice mouf, can I see her twat? totally mad at this point, the rancher grabs
him under the arms, and rams the midget's head as far as he cam up the
horse's twat, pulls him out,and slams him on the ground.
the midget gets up, sputtering and coughing. Perhapth I should rrphrase
that. can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit?

OFRD_GRL
03-26-2007, 12:04 PM
23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.

*hrmmm.....*
:D :D :D :D :eek: :D :D :D :D :cool:

Still2Low
03-26-2007, 12:08 PM
I should abide by that rule my cell phone bill would be alot cheaper lol

Full_Tilt_Fud
03-26-2007, 12:19 PM
4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
.



this is not true.......

If you are REALLY his friend you will be sitting in jail with him discussing how much you fucked up this time and placing bets on who will get out first.

NEV2DEP
03-26-2007, 09:15 PM
CHICKENFUCKER!






that all carry on. :)

OFRD_GRL
03-31-2007, 02:15 PM
http://i31.photobucket.com/albums/c398/ItsYourHorse/late.jpg

blown4runner
04-03-2007, 11:56 AM
Subject: Seven Degrees of Blondes

Seven Degrees of Blondes

FIRST DEGREE

A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning.
The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment
and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung
up.

The husband said, "Who was that?"

The wife said, "I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast
is clear."

` *:-.,_,.-:* ` *:-.,_,.-:* ` *:-.,_,.-:* ` *:-.,_,-:*
` *:-.,_,.-:* ` *:


SECOND DEGREE

Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the
sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the
mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar."

The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!"

So the first blonde hands her the compact.

The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"

> >>` *:-.,_,.-:* ` *:-.,_,-:* ` *:-.,_,.-:* ` *:-,_,-:*
> >>` *:-.,_,.-:* ` *:-

THIRD DEGREE

A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out
and buys a gun.

She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she
finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry.
She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is
overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.

The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!!!"

The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"

` *:-.,_,.-:* ` *:-.,_,.-:* ` *:-,_,.-:* ` *:-.,_,-:*
` *:-.,_,.-:* ` *:

FOURTH DEGREE

A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She
proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them."

A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin ?"

The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: W."

` *:-.,_,.-:* ` *:-.,_,.-:* ` *:-.,_,.-:* ` *:-.,_,-:*
` *:-.,_,.-:* ` *:


FIFTH DEGREE


What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?

" Is it mine?"
` *:-.,_,.-:* ` *:-,_,.-:* ` *:-.,_,.-:* ` *:-,_,-:*
` *:-.,_,.-:* ` *:

SIXTH DEGREE

Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA freshman, sat in her US
government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs.
Wade was about.

Bambi pondered the question then finally said, "That was the decision
George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware."

>>` *:-.,_,.-:* ` *:-.,_,.-:* ` *:-.,_,.-:* ` *:-,_,-:*
> >>` *:-.,_,.-:* ` *:

SEVENTH DEGREE
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house
ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and
reported the crime.

The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit,
patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer
approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on
the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on
the steps.

Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my
possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do?

They send me a BLIND policeman."

blown4runner
04-03-2007, 11:58 AM
Subject: Intelligent conversation

A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, "What would you like to talk about?"
"Oh, I don't know", said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"
"OK". she said. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass, the same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"
The stranger thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."
"Do you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"

blown4runner
04-03-2007, 11:59 AM
You Know It's Time To Diet When....

1. You dance and it makes the band skip.

2. You are diagnosed with the flesh eating virus, and the doctor gives you 22 more years to live.

3. You put mayonnaise on an aspirin.

4. You go to the zoo and the elephants throw you peanuts.

5. Your driver's license says, "Picture continued on other side."

6. You ran away and they had to use all four sides of the milk carton for your picture.

7. You learn you were born with a silver shovel in your mouth.

8. You could sell shade.

9. Your blood type is Ragu.

10. You need an appointment to attend an 'open house'.


Not for Lunch

My husband retired, and for the first time in over 40 years I had to think about preparing midday meals.

Tired of it after several months, I said, "I married you for better or worse, but not for lunch."

"Fair enough. From now on I'll make my own," he replied.

A few weeks later he had to go downtown on business and invited me to join him afterwards.

"We could have lunch at that Chinese place we both like," he suggested.

I happily agreed. At the restaurant the next day we were seated, and the waiter came to take our order.

My husband looked up, a twinkle in his eyes and said, "Separate checks, please..."

OFRD_GRL
04-20-2007, 01:43 PM
http://i177.photobucket.com/albums/w234/alwaysoffroad/random/bra_1.gif

http://i177.photobucket.com/albums/w234/alwaysoffroad/random/bra_2.gif

http://i177.photobucket.com/albums/w234/alwaysoffroad/random/bra_3.gif

http://i177.photobucket.com/albums/w234/alwaysoffroad/random/bra_4.gif

http://i177.photobucket.com/albums/w234/alwaysoffroad/random/bra_5.gif

http://i177.photobucket.com/albums/w234/alwaysoffroad/random/bra_6.gif

http://i177.photobucket.com/albums/w234/alwaysoffroad/random/bra_7.gif

http://i177.photobucket.com/albums/w234/alwaysoffroad/random/bra_8.gif

http://i177.photobucket.com/albums/w234/alwaysoffroad/random/bra_9.gif

http://i177.photobucket.com/albums/w234/alwaysoffroad/random/bra_10.gif




Mammograms
Many women are anxious about mammograms, but there is no need to worry. By taking a few minutes each day for a week preceding the exam and doing the following exercises, you will be totally prepared for the test and best of all, you can do these simple exercises right in and around your home.

EXERCISE ONE:

Open your refrigerator door and insert one breast in door. Shut the door as hard as possible and lean on the door for good measure.

Hold that position for five seconds. Repeat again in case the first time wasn't effective enough.

EXERCISE TWO:

Visit your garage at 3AM when the temperature of the cement floor is just perfect. Take off all your clothes and lie comfortably on the floor with one breast wedged under the rear tire of the car. Ask a friend to slowly back the car up until your breast is sufficiently flattened and chilled. Turn over and repeat with the other breast.

EXERCISE THREE:

Freeze two metal bookends overnight. Strip to the waist. Invite a stranger into the room. Press the bookends against one of your breasts.

Smash the bookends together as hard as you can. Set up an appointment with the stranger to meet next year and do it again.

YOU ARE TOTALLY PREPARED!



AND, just a thought for all the women out there........

MENtal illness, MENstrual cramps, MENtal breakdown, MENopause............
Ever notice how all of women's problems start with men?.........
And When we have real trouble it's HISterectomy!!!!

Send this to all women to have a laugh AND, don't forget to have a mammogram!!!!!!

A Friend Is Like A Good Bra...
Hard to Find
Supportive
Comfortable
Always Lifts You Up
Never Lets You Down or Leaves You Hanging
And Is Always Close To Your Heart!!!

OFRD_GRL
04-27-2007, 08:39 AM
HAHHHAA my mom sent this to me

For all those men who say, Why buy a cow when you can get milk for free. Here's an update for you: Now days, 80% of women are against marriage, WHY? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage.



1. Men are like ...Laxatives ...... They irritate the crap out of you.
2. Men are like. Bananas ....... The older they get, the less firm they are.
3. Men are like ......Weather .. Nothing can be done to change them.
4. Men are like ....Blenders You need One, but you're not quite sure why.
5. Men are like .....Chocolate Bars ..... Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.
6. Men are like ....Commercials ...... You can't believe a word they say.
7. Men are like Department Stores ..... Their clothes are always 1/2 off.
8. Men are like ......Government Bonds .... They take soooooooo long to mature.
9. Men are like .....Mascara . They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
10. Men are like ..Popcorn ..... They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
11. Men are like Snowstorms .... You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
12. Men are like ........Lava Lamps .... Fun to look at, but not very bright.
13. Men are like Parking Spots ....... All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped
14. Men are like Public Restrooms... All the good ones are taken, the rest are full of $hit

NEV2DEP
02-13-2008, 11:32 AM
Snow is like pussy. It’s fun to play in, you never know when it’s going to come, and only some of it is clean enough to eat.

Full_Tilt_Fud
02-15-2008, 11:28 AM
Snow is like pussy. Itís fun to play in, you never know when itís going to come, and only some of it is clean enough to eat.



Joe.........buddy..........If the pussy you are getting is cold like snow you need to seek help fast...........I know you live in the ghetto but that don't make it OK.

NEV2DEP
02-15-2008, 01:52 PM
Joe.........buddy..........If the pussy you are getting is cold like snow you need to seek help fast...........I know you live in the ghetto but that don't make it OK.

I believe that is called Necrophilia.
Necrophilia, also called thanatophilia and necrolagnia, is a paraphilia characterized by a sexual attraction to corpses. The word is artificially derived from Ancient Greek: νεκρός (nekros; "corpse," or "dead") and φιλία (philia; "love"). The term appears[1] to have originated from Krafft-Ebing's 1886 work Psychopathia Sexualis
and Pete sent me this so..........

ugly's ok
02-15-2008, 05:49 PM
If she dont move for 10 min thats ok

NEV2DEP
06-02-2008, 01:31 PM
Chinese Proverbs
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who run in front of car get tired.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright
organ.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man with one chopstick go hungry.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.

* ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Panties not best thing on earth! But next to best thing on earth.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

*~*~*~*~*~! *~*~*~*~*

Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who fart in church sit in own pew.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Crowded elevator smell different to midget.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*