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HOW TO POOP AT WORK

We've all been there but don't like to admit it. As much as we try to
convince ourselves otherwise, the WORKPOOP is inevitable. For those
who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for having a
dump at work.

CROP DUSTING : When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the
smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't
know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop
until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure
the smell has left your pants.

FLY BY : This is the act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping.
Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the
bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a
FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into
the bathroom.

ESCAPEE: This is a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the
urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a
sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not
acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in
the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It
is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both
parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK : When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine
gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If
this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone
has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just
occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH : The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop
hits the water. This reduces the amount of airtime the poop has to
stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the
WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME : Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after
you have just stunk the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable
moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to
pretend that the smell does not exist. This very uncomfortable walk
can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER : This is a colleague who poops at work and
is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter
the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always
look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before
entering the bathroom.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N) : A group of co-workers who band
together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This
group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet
Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS : A Safe Haven is a seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the
building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are
predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a
pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR : This is someone who does not realize that you are in
the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most
shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at
work If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar
leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH : A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the
bathroom that you are in a stall is called a Camo-Cough. This can be
used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars.
The Camo-Cough is very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE : An Astaire is a subtle toe-tap that is used to alert
potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will
remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire,
leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

WATERMELON : A watermelon is a big poop that creates a loud splash
when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If
you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELET : A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud
splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try
using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

UNCLE TODD : An Uncle Todd is a bathroom user who seems to linger
around forever. This person could spend extended lengths of time in
front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Todd makes it
difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to
poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as other
bathroom attendees.



Hope the Survival Guide helps, as the WORKPOOP is an inevitable part
of life.

If you need additional additional please call...1-800-poo-pooh
 

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That is some funny shit!
 

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Funny stuff.

Some jerk off kept breaking the doors in my office bathroom stalls, so I just removed them. No "Turd Burglars" at the office anymore..Your an "out of the closet pooper" or you dont poop. The "camo-cough" has turned into, "HEY Im taking a shit, dont walk over here!"

When I worked in a 70+ employee building while attending school, this was the best part of the day. We would wait until someone went in that we did not like, then we would just crack the door and turn the lights off right when they got going. It would be so dark you could not see your hand in front of you, much less the TP. Fun stuff.
 

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jhunter said:
Funny stuff.

Some jerk off kept breaking the doors in my office bathroom stalls, so I just removed them. No "Turd Burglars" at the office anymore..Your an "out of the closet pooper" or you dont poop. The "camo-cough" has turned into, "HEY Im taking a shit, dont walk over here!"

When I worked in a 70+ employee building while attending school, this was the best part of the day. We would wait until someone went in that we did not like, then we would just crack the door and turn the lights off right when they got going. It would be so dark you could not see your hand in front of you, much less the TP. Fun stuff.
Please tell me how your guys are supposed to rub one out during lunch with no doors on the stalls... that would just be innapropriate.
 

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Wes said:
Please tell me how your guys are supposed to rub one out during lunch with no doors on the stalls... that would just be innapropriate.
Oh, you just pull down your pants and poop... I usually just go to a vacant office because I have the keys. ;) Tear up the shit, pay for it.
 

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NorCal Chapter Pres
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TURD BURGLAR : This is someone who does not realize that you are in
the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most
shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at
work If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar
leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
:lmao: :lmao: :lmao: :lmao: :lmao: :lmao: :lmao: :lmao: :lmao: :lmao: :lmao: :lmao: :lmao: :lmao: :lmao: :lmao: :lmao: :lmao: :lmao: :lmao: :lmao: :lmao: :lmao: :lmao: :lmao: :lmao: :lmao: :lmao: :lmao: :lmao: :lmao: :lmao: :lmao: :lmao: :lmao:
 

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7wt said:
HAVANA OMELET : A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud
splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try
using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.
i cant stop laughing
 

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Bear's Chauffeur
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Funny

Hell I enjoy a good one at work its the only damn time everybody leaves me alone.
 
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