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NEVER SERIOUS
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1.If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
2.If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
3.Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
4.I got a sweater for Christmas... I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
5.If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
6.Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
7.If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
8.Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been."
9.I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, Implants?
10.If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
11.If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
12.If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
13.If you're born again, do you have two bellybuttons?
14.How is it possible to have a civil war?
15.If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
16.Is a castrated pig disgruntled?
17.Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "asteroids"?
18.Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
19.If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
20.What happens when none of your bees wax?
21.I married my wife for her looks...but not the ones she's been giving me lately!
22.If God dropped acid, would he see people?
23.If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of the stuff?
24.Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
25.Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
26.The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
27.I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
28.Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?
29.If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
30.And, whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have a "S" in it?
31.The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.
32.I live in my own little world, but it's ok they know me here.
33.I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just standing up really fast.
34.How do I set my laser printer on stun?
35.Sign In Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea...
36.Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
37.I don't approve of political jokes...I've seen too many of them get elected.
38.The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.
39.There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and shithead's.
40.If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys. But if it deals you a truckload of hand grenades...now THAT'S a message!!
41.I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
42.Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at the bowling alley.
43.I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect.
44.Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.
45.Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was asalted.
46.How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
47.Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
48.Marriage changes passion...suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
49.Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?
50.The next time you feel like complaining, remember: Your garbage disposal probably eats better than thirty percent of the people in this world.
51.Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
52.A crowded elevator smells different to a midget
 

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